Saturday, and The Fear

I am seeing F, my shrink on Tuesday. It's been a while since Femi and I have seen each other and I'm genuinely concerned, concerned that because I'm able to be at least a little articulate and can describe in detail my emotional response to ... well, everything, it's going to look like I've either:

(a) picked my symptoms up from ICD-10 / DSM-V

(b) decided to start making it up

In reality I'm in need of admission (voluntary) and some time being taken to finally, finally clear the crap out of my head and get back to my real world, and stop being a mental.

Finally, for today, here's a piece from the Guardian magazine today that I found particularly helpful (copied in full) by a recent Aspergers diagnosee:

I'm 50 and was diagnosed last year. Before then, I had no idea why social interaction was so hard. I thought everybody else had the same difficulties, but had overcome them. What strength of will they must have, I thought – look how easily they make eye contact; I must have a bad attitude, I simply can't be trying hard enough.

Decades ago, I learned to pretend I was coping by developing a passive, quiet exterior. I would still, when I plucked up the courage, expend enormous mental effort trying and failing to make conversation, while attempting to micro-manage disastrously inappropriate body language: standing too close, awkward gestures and a mask-like expression.

Now, I feel more lonely than ever. Diagnosis has brought increased self-knowledge, but it doesn't make things easier. Even now, I generally cannot think of a single thing to say; except, that is, for the painfully idiosyncratic responses that jam my brain.

How can they interact with each other so unselfconsciously, inhabit their lives so fully, be so comfortable in their own skin? I have tried and tried, but I cannot comprehend what life must be like for them.

I like people, I long to have friends and, most of all, to be in a relationship. The bottom line is, human beings were not meant to have to live like this. Social interaction is a basic human need.