Dr GD (her first name beginning with a G made me fearful that it might be ... and that she'd cross-qualified her PhD to medicine) increased my dose to 375mg the maximum she can prescribe. I started taking them two days ago and am now *properly* zombied.
We also talked about the inevitability of death and death coming at a time of my choosing and she commented about how unusual it was that I'd resigned myself to it. That statement - having "resigned myself to it" - is the best description I've heard so far. I know that it's coming and I know the how, just don't know the when and where yet.
Dr GD is referring me to Oxleas and asked about hospitalisation. I said that I'd rather not as I've got to work and work is my primary (secondary and tertiary) displacement activity.
I've talked about The Box in the past, and the box is simply a metaphor: I know that family and friends will look for me when I drop off the grid and the metaphoric box contains a number of possible locations I may have gone to. I don't want to be found when I go so picking a number of different locations means that I can assuage any negative feelings of friends or family by pointing them in the wrong direction and sending them on a "wild goose chase". This might seem cruel and selfish but for the first time in my life I'm taking positive action for my own benefit.
Anyway - I'm off to get on with some work and put it off.
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