Oh God.

I'm really angry and I'm really sad and quite upset to be writing this but writing it down (or typing it) is the only way I can make sense of it.

Let's start in the middle of the night: I think I got between ten and thirty minutes sleep last night, sitting in a seat at the airport or trying to lie on a long couch at Costa. The airport was very quiet but I wanted to use the time effectively so I ate and I drank coffee.

This morning at about 0430 I had a big breakfast and eventually found my way to the flight: I was going to get something tartan for Livia but was so scunnered by the Scots performance I couldn't do it.

Flight to Gatwick from Edinburgh was uneventful. Landed at Gatwick and travelled on the trans-terminal transport shuttle to the south terminal to get the train home.

I was standing in Gatwick station looking at the board to ascertain what train to get and ******** ***** is standing in the station having a conversation with someone about which train to get. She made eye contact with me and I put my head down and moved on.

When I've hallucinated ** before she's never made eye contact with me, and I've hallucinated either her voice or image but never both simultaneously: deductive reasoning suggests she was there in person.

Am *sure* I overheard her being told to get a train at 0823 south from Gatwick but she joined the 0815 train that I got and got off at Elephant and Castle station (same I got off at) and I walked as quickly as I could through the dodgy part to the underground to get the train to Waterloo and change for the Jubilee line.

I believe I lost her at E&C station, as I saw her approaching the lift I was in as the doors were closing and I took a diversionary route to my platform for the Bakerloo train to Waterloo.

She hasn't been much in my thoughts since the incident this morning until I fell asleep for a nap on the couch when I had a huge series of very vivid hallucinations - much more vivid than normal.

The hallucinations were of physical harm being done, to me, by me and others and whilst ** was not there her voice was. The amount of vividity was such that I felt that even though I was forcing myself to wake I couldn't wake.

When I did wake it was with tears, disassociation and a very worried looking dog. I picked up my wallet to call the Crisis Team but don't know what I'd tell them. Instead, I've taken my pills and eaten dinner.

Obviously the points to be made logically are:

(1) me and ** were eventually likely to be in the same place at the same time at some point

(2) the hallucinations and their particular vividity are down to the following:

(a) almost no sleep last night
(b) diet changing - e.g., eating at 0430
(c) item (1)

So - hence the reference to "horses, not zebras": look at symptoms and identify the easiest possible explanation as it's almost always the right answer.